10.23.2008

It All Started Out So Innocently...

(Better settle in kids, it's a long one (by VDog standards).)

I had posted two times in one week. Two times!! Not only in one week, oh no! In two days.

I knew it could quite possibly be a mistake even as I was hitting the "publish post" button. VDog just don't publish two times a week, people. So I got cocky. I thought to myself, 'wow! Now I have the rest of the week to slack off!' blog wise, that is.

So I went about trying to be a good housewifey and mama. Dishes were unloaded. Laundry was done. Outings were had.

This same week was the week that the GranCracker left after a two week stay. She had been cooking dinner every night (AWESOME and gourmet n shit!) and was watching the Little Man every morning so that I could take a shower. Cuz honestly? Mama V don't get showers more than two times a week either. Gross, I know.

So we're trottin' along, accomplishments stacking up, and then it hits me...the big bad depression. When really, what did I have to be depressed about? My life is actually really really good and I have a ton to be thankful for.

BUT, I have been prone to depression before and lived through deep dark recesses of time where sometimes I couldn't even get out of bed. Times where I wouldn't go to school for a week, or two weeks, and I would just cry. Or sleep. Or feel sorry for myself.

Because I DID have reasons. Reasons to feel worthless. Reasons to feel not good enough. Never good enough. Reasons too deep and dark for VDog's Blog, so let's just say four years of intense therapy made things much, much better.

And yet here I was, hit by a Mack truck of hormones and genetic predispositions that I couldn't do anything about. I've always had a reason to be depressed, and this Fall, I really felt like, "SHIT! I've got a great life and I STILL feel depressed?? WTF?"

Dawn asked if there were any emotional minefields for me in September. Well there's one personally big one, and then there's the Country's big one. There's what Dawn and I have come to call "Dead Dad Day" or "Dead Dad Anniversary." That's the beginning of September for me, and then, of course, there's the 9/11 Anniversary.

9/11 happened my Senior year of College. Warrior got me out of bed, and I sat, sleepy-eyed, and watched the horror on our television screen. It took a few weeks to sink in, and once again I fell into a depression and skipped two weeks of school. The only reason I ever return(ed) is because I, ya know, kinda cared about my grades and graduating 'on-time' and stuff.

Now I'm thinking it's pretty ridiculous for me to think that I can get away from years of serious depression without having some sort of relapse. I got through all the worst times in my life without medication because both my therapist and I felt, well, I had serious reasons TO be depressed. I probably could have felt better a lot sooner WITH some meds though.

So here I am now, feeling magically better, but still considering that magic pill. Will it make me more effective as a person? Will it let me handle stress more evenly? Will it make me less VDog?

Another thing I've realized is that when I'm continually surrounded by more people than just the Little Man and Warrior (e.g., GranCracker's visit), I get a HUGE let down afterwards. It's happened to me a couple of time before, and I know now that I need to watch out for THAT minefield as well. I'm learning that I truly enjoy being more social and when that "village" disappears, I get depressed.

As for my last post, I want to thank you all for your wonderful, supportive, helpful comments. My issue is that I keep having that hold-your-breath reaction, even though it is no longer founded. When someone asked me if Little Man was two months old when he was five months old, it really hurt me since I felt like he was getting to look more age-appropriate. I guess that is just sticking with me, and frankly, it sucks. I know that the way to get over it is just to have it keep coming up and examine the feelings until I'm good with it and it doesn't come up anymore.

I know this because I've done it before and it's how I've dealt with most of my issues. I just need more time. Like ZoeyJane said, I've got a few more years to milk this whole preemie thing.

There's more to say, but maybe I should keep it for next week. (HA!)

Thank you all for your love and support, it means the world to me.

21 comments:

Immoral Matriarch said...

((hugs))

Zoeyjane said...

Stupid wrong alias. Anyways, I was SAYING. Hugs and Love and Vodka, but not too much.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

smoochie woochie

Al_Pal said...

*hugs* *HUGS* *hugs* [like whoa!]

Yeah, post-people letdown sucks!!! Much Love to you!!!

Sarah said...

<3 ya, friend

July and October are emotional minefield months for me, so I know how you're feeling right now. Things are just beginning to settle in, and I know a few dark(er) days are ahead.

maggie's mind said...

I'm glad you are back. I wrote the same about October being a minefield for me last Friday. Dead parent, dead baby, anniversaries of dead dreams, all kinds of "stuff" seems to accumulate at certain times of the year. March to April and much of October is like that for me. Still, each year I think I get stronger. I hope the same is true for you. Hugs and hugs and hugs.

Hockeyman said...

Kudos for putting this out there, I know what it takes to do so. But I also know there is always light. I have suffered from this sort of depressive cycle most of my life and it sucks. BAD. I wrote about some things I have been trying successfully to avoid fading away, and every day is a new exercise. Even if I am medicated. http://hockeymandad.com/?p=46

dawn224 said...

word.

Daddy Joe said...

Sorry to hear about the depression. My father has been suffering from depression for over a year now and I know how it can really mess with you. Just know that you have a lot of friends here to support you.

Sending you lots of warm, happy thoughts your way. :)

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

V, I totally understand. It's bad enough to feel depressed when there's a reason, so why when life is good? It seems like there's always a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop, from out of a clear blue sky.

I hope that things start looking better for you soon.

raino said...

from someone who knows these feelings, take care, get plenty of sleep, exercise and perhaps a little pill from doc. you are not on this earth long, so make it a happy time.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Loves you. And I hope you work your way thru the not fun parts. You also know know I think if the meds are what you need to do it, take em.

Momo Fali said...

Wishing you well, sweetie. I hope things improve for you soon.

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

Hugs to you. I've been thinking about you, my friend.

Miss said...

I think you are being incredibly strong and totally doing the right thing here.

LOVE.

Kimmylyn said...

Big HUGS to you my friend.. BIG BIG HUGS...

Heidi said...

Hang in there V. Thinking of you and wishing you good thoughts.

califmom said...

Nothing profound to say, just that "I feel ya."

Mz. Nesbit said...

i love how extremely honest and truthful you are. it's truly inspiring.
:)

Suburban Oblivion said...

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time of things. I've dealt with depression for years, and its crazy how it can hit you so hard without notice. Hope you are doing better since you wrote this..You have my email if you need it :) ((Hugs))

Ghanimatrix said...

It's nice to read about other moms who have this problem. My son is four months old and I've been off my meds for just over a year. But it is getting harder lately. The thing that blows me away is how I can beat myself up over really small things, like a careless comment or innocent mistake. And I really put myself through the wringer over it. My husband told me yesterday that he thinks when I'm done nursing, I should go back on my antidepressant. It makes me sad that I can't seem to get along without it. Which is dumb, because going on Wellbutrin was the best thing that ever happened to me in some ways. I might not even have a husband or son if I hadn't. When you battle depression your whole life, though, it is silly to think it will magically go away forever just because you feel happy NOW. Luckily I now have an arsenal of weapons to fight it: my husband, my son, keeping active, drugs, therapy. I hope you do, too.

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