Why is it so easy to take care of the baby [others], but it is near impossible to take care of me?
Now I know that taking care of a baby isn't easy, but we know what to do (generally) and we do it. Because we have to. Because that is what is right.
But what about me? What about you? Is it acceptable not to shower everyday simply because you don't have the time (you say), and because you are putting another's needs in front of your own? I wasn't kidding about being so excited to have washed my hair. In fact, I am in dire need of a hair washing right now.
It is much easier for me to take care of Little Man's needs than it is to take care of my own. I largely ignore my own needs on a day-to-day basis because I am so tired, and so dedicated to taking care of Little Man, Sasha, the house, and Warrior (yes, the husband comes last during the day, but first at night after the baby is in bed).
The truth is that I have never been very good at taking care of myself. I felt a large sense of responsibility to my family and others from a very young age. It was only in the last few years that I was learning to be more "selfish," (also known as staying out of other people's business, minding my OWN business, actually focusing on myself, not caring about other people's problems more than my own, etc.) but I never got very good at it.
Taking care of other people, I know. Taking care of myself? Not so much.
I've struggled with making myself worth taking care of, and in the manner that I would hope to, for all of my adult life.
I've struggled with not feeling good enough in most everything I do.
I've struggled with depression, and mostly won.
Now, with the arrival of my Little Man, I need to make myself important, but I also have to put his needs first. As a mom, I feel like I am now going to be number two, at best.
I'm tired of feeling like I am just getting by. Part of me feels like I am just being lazy when I think about the things that I COULD have done to take care of myself, but didn't do. Part of me feels like, eh, they don't matter. Part of me knows I am doing great, and I am just being hard on myself.
I am doing the best I can for now, but I hope for better.
This post makes me sad, but in a good way. Blogging is like free therapy. Totally.
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5 comments:
I totally know where you are coming from. Most days, with two babies, I am able to take a shower. Now washing my hair, that's another story. Most days, I am rockin' a baseball hat. I will tell you this...It does get better, they start getting more independant. It's just hard to find time for you when they are so little...You are right to give yourself a break, and when you see your moment...run, don't walk for the shower;)
I don't like to shower every day ... There, I said it ... but I figure that water conservation balances the diapers I am washing. I usually take a bath with Alex and then Scout takes him and I wash my hair while he gets him ready for bed.
I have just in the last week felt like I am finding something that resembles a rhythm in my life, as far as taking care of the house (well, part of the house, let's not get crazy here.) I even managed to put on some lotion and some mascara while I was in the bathroom this morning.
I'm thinking of blogging the whole getting my act together thing ...
Oh, believe-you-me, there have been multiple days where I did not shower, didn't eat properly, didn't even comb my hair. Those were the days that all seemed to blur together, those were the days that I wanted to run away. Personally, I now know that if I'm not taken care, no one else can be taken care of properly.. KWIM?
But, blogging, best therapy eyver! I think you know what the dealio is, yo! I think you're being hard on yourself, too. HOpe you got your tresses washed, my friend!
What is this shower thing you speak of??? lol
This post was really wonderful and since it was personally therapeutic for you, there is no need to comment further...
We love you Vdog for Vendetta!
Bradley
The Egel Nest
jeeze. There are days when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, & my shirt is covered in boogers, my roots have grown out, & i have the moustache of a 14 yr old boy. I don't know how i even have the time or energy to get to THAT level of lookin' good!
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