Sometimes I think about how one day my Little Man will be a Full Grown Man. I never used to understand the phrase, "you'll always be my baby." Now, I totally do. It's hard for me to comprehend that this tiny person that I have nurtured and loved will one day grow to be this person who will no doubt tower above me, and say things like, "Oh, Mom!" when I get all mushy over him.
Right now I'm...
Hoping that he'll love me when he's older. Hoping that I'll be understanding of the great breakaway of independence that must occur, but that can be so painful for both mom and baby to experience. Hoping that I can remember these feelings and act on them when I'm older. Thinking about how Little Man will brush off my worries about where he's going, and with whom, when he's in High School, and me saying, "you don't know what it's like to be a parent."
If I can be the mom I want to be, my Little Man will love me just as much as he does now -- but in a more complex, accepting way. Now I can do no wrong. A hug and a smile (with a little boob thrown in there) can fix most any ill he feels. When he is older, he will know my faults. He will know how I do not measure up to his expectations. But he will still love me, and hopefully, a hug and a smile will still be able to make him feel better.
Every day I spend with the Little Man is a gift. Soaking in his smiles. The joy of greeting him after a nap. The warmth that radiates from the Little Man's being into my heart is one of the most incredible outpourings of love I have ever felt.
Even after Little Man is an adult, he will be my baby. My first baby. Lavished with attention and care, and all the love this Little Mama can muster up.
Becoming a mom has made me have more empathy for my own mother. How weird it must feel, I imagine, that all of her babies are grown up, into adults, even though we still need her -- in a way, we don't. We have become our own beings. I feel so sad to think of the day when Little Man is no longer so dependent on me. But at the same time, I know this is what I must strive for since I want him to be happy and healthy and independent. Just don't forget about your Mama, Little Man.
Watching a person grow up, and along the way, helping mold them and unfurl their inner being is a huge responsibility. I am trying to appreciate the time I have with Little Man now by looking into the future and imagining how different our time together will be as he grows. Never again will I have this opportunity to be so focused on caring for and loving one being. I hope to soak in and imprint every moment with the Little Man into my consciousness to be readily accessed in the future, because doggonit, it's making me all misty eyed and he's not even eight months yet.
I love you, Little Man. You're all a Mommy could have ever hoped for.