Unveiling My Neuroses (aka, The Cracker In Me)

Yesterday's post may have been a wee-tad overly dramatic. Ahem. That's what happens when you get stream of consciousness then push "Publish Post."

In addition to my flair for the dramatic, I also have a slew of other neuroses. Shall we get right to it?

1) I have self-diagnosed attention deficit disorder. I can rarely finish a task without coming back to it (save diaper changes and other must-do-now kidlet related tasks).

-When I actually get up the nerve to clean the house, you can guaran-damn-tee that I won't finish unloading the dishwasher before I go wipe down the coffee table, then change the laundry, while picking up and dropping things off randomly around the house.

-This annoys Warrior to no end, shaking his head and sighing at me, because he's actually good at cleaning AND he manages to stay focused and finish each task one at a time.

-It's almost as though I can't finish a task because the thought of what I'm doing (i.e., actually CLEANING, something I'd rather NOT be doing) is too much for me to bear - so I need to break it up into small bits so that the task doesn't seem so ominously LARGE.

-I get distracted by shiny things, loud noises, and the sound of my brain ticking.

2) I'm a yeller. I was the designated loud person in my family growing up, which had it's rewards and punishments. I loved calling all three of my siblings to dinner, but at the same time, I got spanked for yelling up the stairs once when my brother was a sleeping infant. I can kind of get that now, but holy hot hell, can you say mixed messages?

-I have for the most part curbed this behavior over the years, mostly at Warrior's insistence, because he don't roll like that. I DO NOT want to be The Mom That Yells At Her Kid.

-Sometimes this behavior slips out because...

3) I can be a bit of a hot head. There are times when a rage sprouts up inside me and it takes everything I have to keep it down. Blow ups DO still occur, but on a much smaller scale than they used to.

-I was the Queen of the bottled-up rage as a teenager.

-Now I don't bottle it up (much) and have extricated toxic people from my life to help facilitate this. (I've also worked on it in therapy and stuff.)

4) I have had anxiety of the "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, and gosh darnit, nobody likes me" variety.

-Occasionally the evil voices of self-doubt still spring up on me when I am least expecting them.

5) I have had anxiety on the social functions/crowds/panic attack spectrum.

-My first panic attack was when I was 16. I was Christmas shopping with my older sister at a Wherehouse Music store when it all got to me - the lights, the warm store, the people - and I had to get the eff outta there as my heart was pounding, my breathing became rapid and my head started spinning (NOT literally, people, geez!).

I'm already losing my focus here (actually I've been back and forth on this post for an hour now, so...), I JUST realized my coffee is in the microwave (I found peas from last night in there when I put my coffee in), and...wait, what was I saying again?

Oh yeah, this edition is closed. For now. I can't promise more of them. But, I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF MY NEUROSES. (Even if they ARE slightly embarrassing.)

Thanks to all mah Crackah friends for your support yesterday. I DID find the marker, and Little Man DID get in a (fairly) good nap. Life could have sucked more, that's for sure.


Anonymous said...

Cracker my cracker, if you only realized how normal you are. I have 1,3,4 & 5 as well. I'm not a yeller but i HAVE been accused of speaking too softly and mumbling to the point where someone, who shall remain nameless but who's initials are BO, yells at me. Hang in there emotional basket case..i'm there with you, and i'm here with you. You're not alone in your neuroses. If it makes you feel any better, you can't tell from the outside ;)

VDog said...

Muahahaha, my EEEVIL plan is WORKING!!

the planet of janet said...

ha. we love you in spite of your neuroses... or BECAUSE of your neuroses.

either way.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

You know which one cracks me up? Your add, cause you will totally leave me mid-gmail chat and disappear. I love you V!

I've started getting panic attacks in my old age. It's the world's worst feeling.

Anonymous said...

I was a yeller, and maaannn does it get sh*t done. But I had to hang that hat up when I yelled, for a rather wonderful reason, and my mom looked at me and said that I turned into a monster just then. Ouch. Now, we all settle for the threat of yelling, which I will fulfill if necessary-but since they know that, they don't make me step up. Ahhhh...the joys of fulfilling your promises.

Zoeyjane said...

Twins, you and me. Minus the yelling.

Burgh Baby said...

I can't be bothered to clean the house anymore because it is a certainty that I will start it only to discover that there is a major project that needs taken care of, such as cleaning out the toy box, and I'll get all sorts of . . . hey! Look! Something shiny! Um, what was I saying?

Anonymous said...

Seems you have collected chicks just like yourself.

Oooh something shiny!

What was I saying? Never mind, I think I left my coffee around here somewhere... oooh something shiny!

Miss said...

I get panic attacks when Christmas shopping too. I hate crowds like that.

Anonymous said...

I share 1, 4, and 5 with you cracka ass cracka. My mother has MAJOR un-diagnosed ADD. She will actually stop talking mid-sentence and ask you a question about something else.

VDog said...

I seriously love you guys.

Big kisses all over.

Kayris said...

I'm a yeller too. And I do yell at my kids. Or I yell at the older (more irritating) one, anyway. Nothing to feel guilty about!

cat said...

Peas in the microwave? Amateur hour! I surprise myself with stuff like boiling water (Who put that on the stove? Oh, me!) practically daily. And I used to keep a full set of make up at the office because I'd get to work and discover that I forgot to put on mascara, or only did one eye. Thank god for sunglasses.

Al_Pal said...

I was the designated loud person in my family growing up

I fully LOLed at that one. :P

Love you!!!!

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I SO not one to read long posts (see: ADD-ish) but I'm glad I read on. We are SO much alike! I get distracted by the shiney and have been having anxiety attacks since I was 9. Yeah... Issues...

Anonymous said...

You have just described me! There are many like us. We just tend to suffer silently.

Anonymous said...

Catching up on old posts :) Hey, I have self-diagnosed ADHD, too (and I'm a professional organizer)! In fact, I've started keeping a journal about it. I'm researching the best resources for formal diagnoses as we speak.

We ADDers are highly creative, love variety, are talkative (sometimes really talkative), and get distracted easily (although sometimes we "hyperfocus"). But don't despair, we can still be productive and organized - it just takes self-acceptance, patience, and a plan :) Great books to read include "You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy" by Kate Kelly, "ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life" by Judith Kolberg, "The Disorganized Mind: Coaching Your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks, & Talents" by Nancy Ratey - she has ADD. Also, Sari Solden, a female therapist with ADD has written "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder," which is a fabulous read for any and every woman with ADD.

Eve D'Onofrio
Organized Tranquility

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