4.07.2008

Two Weeks

Two weeks since I last posted. Two weeks. I've seriously lost my blogging mojo.

I'm having an internal struggle with the nature of blogging. How much do I want to share? If I don't want to share some special moments, but feel like blogging them is the only way they are going to get recorded, what do I do?

This blog is largely a way for me to record my son's progress and life and to explore my new role as a mother. I'm terrible at keeping a diary/journal, and haven't even purchased a physical baby book for the Little Man. Keeping this blog felt like something I could do -- occasionally updating to record his milestones and show my friends and family, and myself, how much he has changed over the last year+.

I've been selfish lately, wanting to keep these memories all to myself. But I also understand that these memories get lost, and misremembered, when I don't record them in some way. And I desperately want to remember every detail...they are already starting to fade.

If I had the courage to ignore the fact that much of my extended family reads this blog, I would tell you about more intimate moments, many of them involving my boobs. Not because I think you'd be interested, but because nursing has been such a HUGE part of our relationship, and it's important for me to remember and record those moments.

I'd like to tell you (preserve the memory for myself) how we're still nursing, at least four times a day. How I love laying in bed with him in the morning, having a big nurse, both of us closing our eyes and trying to wake up a little more before starting our day. I'd tell you about how he can find the "target" with such ease and grace now, not even needing assistance from me to begin nursing. It truly amazes me how well he takes care of business now. It is such a dramatic departure from what we were doing a year ago, struggling to stop using the nipple shield.

I would tell you how much it amuses me, and makes me proud, strangely enough, that he bobbles my breast in his hands and opens wide, bringing his comfort deftly to his mouth.

I would tell you about how much part of me wants to wean, and part of me is grasping onto every last moment.

I would tell you about how embarrassing it can be when we're in public and my son is literally ripping my shirt off because he's upset or tired and wants to nurse. I would also tell you about how sweet it is that he sometimes just wants to put his hand down my shirt, without urgency, for comfort.

*****

I would tell you about how this blogging thing makes me a bit uncomfortable when I see people in real life who I know keep up with the blog. It is funny when people know what is going on with your life even when you haven't spoken to them in days or months. I guess that's the nature of blogging though -- to share your life. Yes?

It is surprising to me when people DO mention what they've seen on the blog, and also when they DON'T. This makes me censor myself.

*****

I would tell you about how I desperately want to use the Little Man's real name when I talk about him, but feel like that's really not an option because of how my family feels about this being a public blog. I just really feel like there is a fakeness to my writing when I can't really talk about "us." I'm talking about VDog & Little Man, our online personae, rather than Victoria & her son.

I'm considering using a psuedonym, because while perhaps not any less "fake," it would at least allow my to use a real name, and not just "Little Man."

He won't always be a little man.

*****

I would tell you about how busy my son is keeping me, and how much I am enjoying paying attention to him.

I would tell you about how I am spending more time with my husband. I am more present in my evenings with him when I am not trying to blog at the same time.

*****

In short, my life is very full of wonderful things. Making time to blog has just not been important to me lately. I have a lot of topics I WANT to blog about, but part of me is holding back, because a) I don't have that much time to blog anymore, and b) I am afraid of overstepping familial boundaries for the sake of a funny or personally fulfilling post.

I'm not sure how much of "me" I'm willing to share.

*****

I got my first offer to review something last week. I am excited to be getting an advance copy of The Rookie Mom's Handbook. I'll let you know what I think very soon.

*****

We had Little Man's fifteen month appointment today. He is doing so well. I'll fill you in on the complete details later.

*****

If after all this, you STILL care about VDog & Little Man, you may want to consider adding me to your reader or signing up for email updates. That way you'll know when I actually post again. Either that, or, you know, obsessively check back for updates. Whatever works for you.

Best,
V

25 comments:

#4 said...

This is a truly beautiful post, V. Even though I am not a blogger or a mommy, there is still so much here that spoke to me. I will respect any decision you make about blogging or sharing or nursing or selfishness. I miss you mama and I hope I am able to spend more time with you and your beautiful son this summer, when I should be a little more sane.

Al_Pal said...

This really is a beautiful post. I think sharing 'secrets' can be empowering, can help us to feel less alone in the universe.
I love you guys.
I hope I can visit more--and keep telling him about the colors and shapes in his shape-sorting suitcase. :P
And as those long-ago nursing posts testify, our society is so out of whack about breasts. [i.e. the one you linked to with all the celeb-cleavage contrasted with nursing photos]
Is there an option to do private posts for things you want to keep to yourself?
*HUGS*

jennifer said...

I think this is a really terrific post, filled with all sorts of concerns I feel on a daily basis. It's hard to find that balance...I hope that you can.

ImpostorMom said...

I think what you share and how you share it is a decision that we all have to make. This post is a great way to let us in to a little bit of that struggle that you feel between wanting to share and needing to stay private. I think we all go through this daily.

I hope that you will continue to share with us what you feel comfortable in sharing.

And as if you aren't already in my reader, puuulleeassee. :P

hydeslikeus said...

Oh for heaven's sake. I just wrote this huge heartfelt response and then it shut me down. Dangit.

What I had said was I totally understand what you're saying. I felt this post was beautiful and honest, and it spoke directly to my heart. I'm in the exact same place as you...although only blogging about 1% of what I used to.

I also made comment that while I'd found comaraderie on the blogs-- some of my good "friends" on here have since become really popular.. and I felt like I'd lost some intimacy. Don't get me wrong, they are fabulous and deserve to have hundreds of people reading them...it's just selfish me to want them all to myself :)

Anyway... you made me cry Victoria.

Heidi

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

You know I loves you two & as long as I get deets via the chats, I'm totally okay with whatever you decide.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

I want to hear whatever you have to say. Or read whatever you have to type. :)

Bradley's Mom said...

Hi V:

You are the boss of your blog...or your unblog! Don't let anyone influence you one way or the other!

When I see something here, I will read it and enjoy it, and if not, then I respect your privacy.

xoxo
Linda

LVGurl said...

Oh honey girl, I subscribed to your feed ages ago :D

I totally understand where you are coming from... only, my family doesn't know I have a blog (except for my cousins).

Looking forward to meeting you two very soon!!!!!!! :)

MommyK said...

I totally get where you are coming from. I have not talked much about my struggle with postpartum depression on my site because my parents and inlaws read it, so do some of my husband's coworkers and some of the people in the neighborhood. It's very personal and I'm not sure I want them to be able to see that far into me, KWIM?

At the same time, I started my site primarily as a way to chronicle my kids' lives, THEN got into the whole thing of making a career out of it and being public. I have a post in the works about security in blogging, and I wonder if, at the beginning, I should have given my kids code names. But it would seem less real to me that way, and I have strived to make sure I touch on all the aspects of my life as a mom. Both the good and the bad.

Momo Fali said...

I think bloggers have more to think about than people realize. There is a LOT to consider. Case in point. I love reading your blog, but I would also understand if you just quit tomorrow.

Cathy said...

This is one of my favorite posts - And I love when you talked about your boobs. =) I've been thinking a lot about extended nursing and don't know if I could blog about it because people I see on a day to day basis might not "get it". I totally related with everything you said in that section about the boobs. So proud that we can find the target on his own, grab it, and get it in there. =)
Anyway, it is hard to find a balance - there's stuff I don't blog about and sometimes I think I give too much info.
I started blogging to keep in touch with friends that have moved away, but now I feel like when I sit down to blog I'm thinking about the "larger audience". While trying to keep in mind the friends and close family that have (maybe) started reading.
Okay - so this comment just became about me, but what I'm trying to say is that I get it. I really do. And lately, I've been out of the blogging mood. Maybe I'll post tonight. Or maybe I'll close the laptop and cuddle up with the hubby.
Great post.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Yeah! V is BACK!

Talk about the boobies. I love boobie talk.

Maternal Mirth said...

The blogging issue is a common one me thinks. I had (and actually still HAVE) issues with it. I want to write, to be creative, to relate to other moms, and most of all, to brag shamelessly about my great kids and their amazingly worthwhile accomplishments ... cough-cough!

You were missed and I, for one, know what you're talk'in 'bout sista!

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

Aw, what a lovely post. It's good to not have time to blog! ;-)

dawn224 said...

here I thought you were taking a break from blogging cuz you knew I was out of pocket and couldn't read. :)

I think you should call LM Alex. :)

the planet of janet said...

blogging is meant to be a joy.

when you get that joy from NOT blogging, it's time to take a break.

we'll be here, whichever you decide.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I've had moments of that exact kind of struggle, but I've come to the point where I constantly remind myself that I blog for me and for Alexis. If anybody else wants to read, fine, but it's all about us. Period. Reaching that point helped me to stop censoring for the wrong reasons and focus on telling her the story I want her to know.

Good luck finding your way!

Anonymous said...

Aww, V. I'm an obsessive checker! Just because I miss you so and find it so hard to find a reasonable time to call and catch up. He-he! Things have been so nuts with work. I'm glad that you are all doing well and finding more engaging time for yourselves. We've been kind of lacking that recently. Talk to you soon!
oxox,
rice cracker

BusyDad said...

VDog, I hear you about the family thing. And I'm with you for this entire post. But I have grown accustomed to "Little Man", and although there are many kids out there referred to on blogs by the same name, your Little Man is THE Little Man in my book. So if you're worried that Little Man is just too impersonal, I'm just offering you another side to it. I'm down with Little Man, no matter what you call him! :)

#7 said...

V, this is one thing i've thought about a lot because i see you on a regular basis. BUT, for some reason, I seem to separate when I'm reading from when i see you. I generally don't bring up the blog unless it's something funny out of respect for your "privacy". ;) Nice post sweet V. You've touched many

180/360 said...

I relate to this as well. I go through periods where I just have no desire to tell the world my thoughts and feelings and then just as I say I'm done- I start spouting out again.

As far as weaning- I milked it (no pun intended) for as long as possible! You'll know when the time is right to stop. :)

Candace said...

unbelievable post. so well written. and quite frankly, I can just link to you to explain why I've been struggling to keep up these last few months. You nailed it. I love blogging and how it makes me feel but I am censoring myself and feeling awkward in the presence of those who read my blog (like in-laws!) If it were just for the blogging community, I would rip off my shirt and show you my boobs, sag and all! That's how revealing I'd be! And my little Sam hasn't nursed in awhile but he still squeezes them for comfort and I love it.
thanks for writing this!

Christie said...

This, my dear, is a great post and the reason why you should continue posting. You are not alone in your concerns, or those of your family, and your thoughts are thoughts many of us have considered. When to blog, what to blog, how much of ourselves do we share.

I hope you can find a happy medium somewhere that allows you to write what you want without feeling you've crossed some line. Because I will be sad if I can't occasionally drop in to find how you and the little man are doing. :)

Mrs. Flinger said...

So Totally Understand OhMyGod I do. It's exactly what I would've said had I posed anything in the last two weeks, too. Love it. And always will have you in my reader. ;-)

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