Two Weeks

Two weeks since I last posted. Two weeks. I've seriously lost my blogging mojo.

I'm having an internal struggle with the nature of blogging. How much do I want to share? If I don't want to share some special moments, but feel like blogging them is the only way they are going to get recorded, what do I do?

This blog is largely a way for me to record my son's progress and life and to explore my new role as a mother. I'm terrible at keeping a diary/journal, and haven't even purchased a physical baby book for the Little Man. Keeping this blog felt like something I could do -- occasionally updating to record his milestones and show my friends and family, and myself, how much he has changed over the last year+.

I've been selfish lately, wanting to keep these memories all to myself. But I also understand that these memories get lost, and misremembered, when I don't record them in some way. And I desperately want to remember every detail...they are already starting to fade.

If I had the courage to ignore the fact that much of my extended family reads this blog, I would tell you about more intimate moments, many of them involving my boobs. Not because I think you'd be interested, but because nursing has been such a HUGE part of our relationship, and it's important for me to remember and record those moments.

I'd like to tell you (preserve the memory for myself) how we're still nursing, at least four times a day. How I love laying in bed with him in the morning, having a big nurse, both of us closing our eyes and trying to wake up a little more before starting our day. I'd tell you about how he can find the "target" with such ease and grace now, not even needing assistance from me to begin nursing. It truly amazes me how well he takes care of business now. It is such a dramatic departure from what we were doing a year ago, struggling to stop using the nipple shield.

I would tell you how much it amuses me, and makes me proud, strangely enough, that he bobbles my breast in his hands and opens wide, bringing his comfort deftly to his mouth.

I would tell you about how much part of me wants to wean, and part of me is grasping onto every last moment.

I would tell you about how embarrassing it can be when we're in public and my son is literally ripping my shirt off because he's upset or tired and wants to nurse. I would also tell you about how sweet it is that he sometimes just wants to put his hand down my shirt, without urgency, for comfort.

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I would tell you about how this blogging thing makes me a bit uncomfortable when I see people in real life who I know keep up with the blog. It is funny when people know what is going on with your life even when you haven't spoken to them in days or months. I guess that's the nature of blogging though -- to share your life. Yes?

It is surprising to me when people DO mention what they've seen on the blog, and also when they DON'T. This makes me censor myself.

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I would tell you about how I desperately want to use the Little Man's real name when I talk about him, but feel like that's really not an option because of how my family feels about this being a public blog. I just really feel like there is a fakeness to my writing when I can't really talk about "us." I'm talking about VDog & Little Man, our online personae, rather than Victoria & her son.

I'm considering using a psuedonym, because while perhaps not any less "fake," it would at least allow my to use a real name, and not just "Little Man."

He won't always be a little man.

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I would tell you about how busy my son is keeping me, and how much I am enjoying paying attention to him.

I would tell you about how I am spending more time with my husband. I am more present in my evenings with him when I am not trying to blog at the same time.

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In short, my life is very full of wonderful things. Making time to blog has just not been important to me lately. I have a lot of topics I WANT to blog about, but part of me is holding back, because a) I don't have that much time to blog anymore, and b) I am afraid of overstepping familial boundaries for the sake of a funny or personally fulfilling post.

I'm not sure how much of "me" I'm willing to share.

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I got my first offer to review something last week. I am excited to be getting an advance copy of The Rookie Mom's Handbook. I'll let you know what I think very soon.

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We had Little Man's fifteen month appointment today. He is doing so well. I'll fill you in on the complete details later.

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If after all this, you STILL care about VDog & Little Man, you may want to consider adding me to your reader or signing up for email updates. That way you'll know when I actually post again. Either that, or, you know, obsessively check back for updates. Whatever works for you.

Best,
V